We all enjoy being with someone who "gets" us, who is easy to talk to because we know they are really listening, who knows all our faults and likes us faulty as we are. Such people seem to see us for who we *really* are.
Love without attention is like planting a garden and then forgetting to water it.
We also know the perils of too much of the wrong sort of attention. There is an attention that sees without joy: that always sees our flaws, our mishaps and the bits that could do with some improving. It might love us in spite of our faults, but it almost feels like we're loved out of duty, and in spite of our good points too.
Love with too much negative attention is like having a garden, but only seeing the weeds - and even when the garden is weeded and perfect, bewailing the fact that the weeds will just come back!
So how do we develop the right sort of attention? How do we get better at noticing?
There are two games I like to use. The first one is a well-known concept of Mindfulness and Mindfulness-based Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I just named it and turned it into a game. The second game I came up with all on my lonesome.
Bear in mind, I'm not clinically trained, I'm just an opinionated childless woman, so use these games at your own risk.
Game One - Notice, Notice, Notice
This game, based on Mindfulness, is about direct experience. Its allowing ourselves to be open to what is happening, to just notice it and try not to understand, judge or change it. This takes practice.
In relation to other people, it is usually more helpful to focus on the person rather than on what you're feeling yourself. The next time you're with a loved one - a partner, parent, child or friend - spend some time just noticing everything you can about them. (But don't choose a moment when the other person is trying to tell you something important, or not until you've had lots of practice...)
Use all your senses to Notice, Notice, Notice - what do you see? what do you hear? what do you smell? what do you feel? and (if appropriate), what do you taste?
Spend some time going into lots of detail. If you see that your friend's hair is brown, what colour brown? Is it all one shade? What is its texture? Does it look different from the last time you saw it? Has she had a haircut?
As you focus on the other person, you'll probably get caught up in your own feelings about that person. Note the feeling that arises in you, but get back to the actual experience of the other person. So, if you're noticing your baby's soft blond hair, and thinking of how much you love to stroke it, that's fine, but move back to noticing your baby rather than staying with your feelings about your baby.
Game Two - Opinion Origami
The second is to think of opinions (or even judgements) you have about someone, and try to unfold how you came by them, then try to fold them up in a different pattern (hence origami). This works better with positive or neutral opinions than negative ones - negative opinions don't need reinforcing and you probably won't change them.
For example, you might feel that your niece (or brother/sister/nephew/friend) is keen on football. That may be positive or neutral. Ask yourself: why do you feel that? Is it because she often wears team-branded clothing? Is it because she carries football swap cards everywhere? It is because she talks to you almost exclusively about football when you meet?
Try to include as much detail as possible. You might consider how her eyes light up when you bought her a set of football swap cards as a treat. Or how her voice gets a note of excitement when she is telling you about how she did a deal with a school friend for a rare card last week.
You will end up with a lot of information. Now your job is to put that information together in a different way, so you end up with an alternative opinion about your niece. (The alternative opinion may or may not be true, that's not important. It is important that you consider it.)
Maybe your niece is not interested in football, per se, just in football swap cards. Swap cards may be the latest trend at her school. The team-branded clothing may be a gift, or perhaps they're hand-me-downs. Or perhaps she wears them for protective colouration, because they make life at school easier. Perhaps she wears them to annoy her brother who supports a different team. Perhaps she talks to you about football because that's what YOU are interested in, and she doesn't know what else to talk to you about.
At the end of Opinion Origami, you may not change your opinion, but isn't your experience of your niece richer? You've called up memories that are visual, aural and tactile. The next time you meet her, you're likely to regard her with a kind of wondering curiosity - partly you're testing out your opinions, and partly she is just more interesting now you've spent some quality attention on her!
This game also works well on strangers on public transport, or people at cocktail parties. In which case I call it the Sherlock Holmes game.
Try one or both of these games this week - and do let me know how it went for you!
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