Bad behaviour in a carpark

Traffic can turn ordinary people into tools. Maybe the distance between us and the outside world creates the necessary privacy to act like a tool in ways we never would up close and personal.

This morning, a chap wanted to turn into a carpark. The streets were quiet, but there was a queue of about five cars ahead of him actually in the carpark, where one driver was leaving and another was waiting to take the spot and temporarily blocking the throughfare. It's Saturday of a long weekend, so there wasn't anywhere to go with any great urgency. (It wasn't a hospital carpark, for example.) He was waiting in a turning lane and was in no danger of being hit by another car while he waited. Nonetheless, he repeatedly blasting his car horn - maybe at the cars in front, or maybe just at the world in general.

What disturbed me more than the pointless rudeness and excessive aggression was that he had his small daughter in the car with him. She was visibly distressed. From the look on his face, he wasn't even much moved, the instinct to blast away appeared to be his habitual first response. (Like I said, tool.)

I was sufficiently moved by his behaviour that I walked over to his car to ask him what he thought it would achieve. He failed to make eye contact, and drove off as a bit I got closer. As I was feeling quite moved, I walked over to his car again.  I did this three times, and each time, he moved away without making eye contact.  I'm pretty sure he knew I was there. Bullies never seem to enjoy a taste of their own medicine. Even if it's administered by a pedestrian and they're driving a big 4wd tank.

What we should have said, but didn't.

The French, naturally, have a phrase for what we wish we said at the time, but didn't think of until it was too late: l'espirit d'escalier. Mostly, we shrug off our clever riposte, and forget all about it. Instead, I encourage you to record these retorts, because human behaviour being what it is, the opportunity to use them again is bound to come up sooner or later.

It's really more about difficult situations, rather than than difficult people. What's the difference? Difficult people are nearly always difficult and there are special techniques for dealing with them. Whereas most people can be difficult in some situations - usually those in which their needs and wants run counter to ours, and they won't 'get with the program'! Consider this scenario...

Your early-bird registrations closed yesterday at 2pm, and it clearly said so on the form. But Bill wants to register at the reduced fee the next morning at 10am. You explain that the special offer is over, and Bill says: "Why are you giving me a hard time about this? I would think you would want another person at your crummy event. Look, I already wrote out my cheque and I'm not writing another one! Just give me the discount, ok, or I won't register at all!" This is straight out bullying, by the way. People do it because it works.

For most of us, our emotions will go into top gear, we'll dislike for Bill and his high-handed ways - but we also may feel a bit guilty about feeling dislike and that will make us politer (through gritted teeth) but less rational.

Bill is trying for the old 1-2 sucker punch. He's thrown the blame for the issue onto us, and made it personal rather than procedural: why are YOU giving me a hard time about this? He's followed up by belittling what we're offering, with a not so subtle hint that our higher ups might not like us 'being difficult' and doing them out of a 'sale'. The implication is there that he will complain about us given half a shot. The sucker punch is the meaningless appeal that is hard to combat: I already wrote the cheque out. It has nothing to do with the matter at hand, but if we make the mistake of engaging with that, we're lost. He'll milk it and anything else he can think of, until we no longer no remember what the original point was: that the discount period is over.

I find that a question or a questioning statement at this point is often helpful. Bill is trying to make this about us, so ask a question or make a statement that returns us to the issue at hand and keeps the focus on his behaviour:

"Bill, the discount ended yesterday. I really don't understand why you are insisting that I break the rules for you, which is unfair to everyone else who is paying full price, and when the difference is only $20 and it's a really great event."

I'm sure you noticed that we're focussing on Bill's behaviour here, we're not saying "I don't know why you're such a ****.

What response can he make? He can bluster, but we're onto him. If we stay firm and keep repeating our position, he has nowhere to go. He can pay up or he can miss out.

There are things we should say, but we need to practice ahead of time so they fall naturally from our mouths when we're in the heat of the moment.

This is post 26 of 100 posts in 100 days.