When did 'no' become the starting point for a negotiation?

I'm now officially so old I might as well be dead. That means I'm not giving anything away when I tell you I came of age during the "no means no" public education campaign. In modern mating rituals, this still - officially - applies, but it's being eroded in other areas of social interaction.

Tell someone, "No." and watch them settle in to demolish your (un)reasonable objections. It's as if the word, 'no' is merely the invitation to commence a negotiation. When, in fact, it's a blunt denial.  I don't mean polite evasions: "Oh I'd love to, but…" or "we'll see…" or "I'll try…" I'm talking about a straight up, "No, thank you for asking."

Our freedom to say YES relies on our equal freedom to say NO in every area of social behaviour I can think of.  Most of us struggle to say an honest and appropriate no, so how free are we really?

This came to mind while I watched dogs and their owners. Dogs can be trained that no always means no.  Dogs can also be trained that no means "beg harder and then you'll get it". Young children work much the same way. Both can be found at your local park, a rich data bank for social research.

It's easy for a parent, under pressure, to say, "No!" which you may later regret as unreasonable. But do pause before you rush to reverse it. If you occasionally hold to an unreasonable no, you learn to think before you speak. Once you firmly establish that no means no - this will take a little while - you and the child both benefit.  You'll both spend less of your day negotiating for a start.

Dogs and people learn from experience. Regularly overturned 'no's' dilute the value of the word. I don't want to be strident in order to make my 'no's stick. Too often I have to be. And I really don't want to return to a social norm where a woman's 'no' was an invitation for the man to be more 'persuasive' (verbally, emotionally or even physically).

Passion + Purpose - Vision = Dis-traction

Today while I was committing a neatness, I came across an old notebook filled with quotes and observations, among them:

Do something useful Sarah's purpose said.

Be something remarkable Sarah's vision said.

Sarah's passion didn't care which master it was serving.

Michael Gerber, E-Myth Mastery, p.56

I am all-too-familiar with the results of passion slaved full throttle to purpose. Some of us have so much passion, we don't need a vision to give us impetus. The results tend to resemble what happens when you climb a ladder to get over something, only to discover you've leaned it against the wrong wall. But that's ok! There's always another wall! And this wall was pretty interesting, and actually I intended to climb it, yes, I wanted to get a - a better perspective on the other wall. This wall's probably a better wall too! I'll find that other wall later... don't bother me now, can't you see I'm busy climbing this ladder? Er... right.

So take a deep breath and ask yourself why. Why - ultimately - you're doing any given task, and if it is a step that will get you from here to the where you want to be going.

This is post 39 of 100 posts in 100 days.

Internal & External Motivation

My bout of persistent low-level ill health continued throughout March.  It was a good excuse for not posting - in that I am not making it up, I wasn't in a bar drinking.  So, poor me.  Let's move on.

I find it interesting that I am able to meet "real" deadlines (ie. external focus) because once I promise to do something for someone I hate to disappoint. Which I guess means that I fear the consequences. Yet a deadline that involves and impacts only me (ie. internal focus) is more-or-less optional.  There are no consequences, other than a mildly corrosive sense of shame.

I don't think I'm alone in this, either.

We're a lot more externally motivated than we are internally motivated, certainly more than we think we are.

And it is odd, if you think about it.  It's ok to lie to, and cheat myself but not other people? It's "only" me that is being disappointed, so that's ok?

It also begs the existential question of my cyber-readers.  Does this mean I have failed to truly perceive you as "real"? In the nature of the blogosphere, the consequences of failure to post are invisible, and often minimal.  No-one wrote to say, "where's the post you promised us, loser?" For which I am, on the whole, grateful.

Perhaps you need to comment more...  Or send chocolate...