When did 'no' become the starting point for a negotiation?

I'm now officially so old I might as well be dead. That means I'm not giving anything away when I tell you I came of age during the "no means no" public education campaign. In modern mating rituals, this still - officially - applies, but it's being eroded in other areas of social interaction.

Tell someone, "No." and watch them settle in to demolish your (un)reasonable objections. It's as if the word, 'no' is merely the invitation to commence a negotiation. When, in fact, it's a blunt denial.  I don't mean polite evasions: "Oh I'd love to, but…" or "we'll see…" or "I'll try…" I'm talking about a straight up, "No, thank you for asking."

Our freedom to say YES relies on our equal freedom to say NO in every area of social behaviour I can think of.  Most of us struggle to say an honest and appropriate no, so how free are we really?

This came to mind while I watched dogs and their owners. Dogs can be trained that no always means no.  Dogs can also be trained that no means "beg harder and then you'll get it". Young children work much the same way. Both can be found at your local park, a rich data bank for social research.

It's easy for a parent, under pressure, to say, "No!" which you may later regret as unreasonable. But do pause before you rush to reverse it. If you occasionally hold to an unreasonable no, you learn to think before you speak. Once you firmly establish that no means no - this will take a little while - you and the child both benefit.  You'll both spend less of your day negotiating for a start.

Dogs and people learn from experience. Regularly overturned 'no's' dilute the value of the word. I don't want to be strident in order to make my 'no's stick. Too often I have to be. And I really don't want to return to a social norm where a woman's 'no' was an invitation for the man to be more 'persuasive' (verbally, emotionally or even physically).

A third way

For most of us, its a case of "my way or the high way" - at least as often as we can ensure our desired outcome. We'll compromise if we must, when the other person holds all the Aces, or because we've never been taught another way out of a deadlock.

When you're locked in a seemingly life-and-death struggle with someone you care about, always remember there may be a third way.

A third way is not a compromise, which I mistrust because sometimes half a loaf of something you don't actually want IS worse than nothing at all.

A third way is something else that satisfies both parties equally. So if, for example, one of you wants to watch Top Gear, and the other wants to watch NCIS, and neither will give an inch, then you might agree to go for a walk instead, or play Parcheesi or something.

A third way works when compromise won't. It's much harder because both people have to be honest about what will work, and both must be creative about finding a mutually satisfactory third way.

It's A win, rather than THE win. If your object is to crush your opponent, you won't see the point. You have to keep discussing options for longer than is necessary for compromise, so a third way works best when the stakes are high.

Wish me luck as I start work on a third way in the coming weeks.

This is post 59 of 100 posts in 100 days.

Sent from my iPhone