Advice: just another word for affirmation?

When you ask someone for advice, what are you after? Do you want their unique and different perspective on the issue? Or do you want them to uncover what you - perhaps unconsciously - think, or want to hear? Do you even ask for advice?

Some people ask for advice as a form of attention-seeking. Most of us are flattered to be asked for our sage advice. Remember: the other person is not obliged to take our advice, but it's polite for them to listen to advice if they ask you for it.

Have you ever had someone solicit your advice, and then when you give it, argue that your perceptions are plain wrong? Have you ever been that someone? This is a case where your affirmation is desired, rather than your advice. Rather than, "what do you think?" you're being asked, "do you think I'm right?" (or even, "I'm right, aren't I?")

It's a win-win situation for the advice-seeker: you affirm their opinion now and they get to blame your bad advice if everything doesn't work out the way they want later. Here's my useful side-step phrase when you recognise you're in this situation: "Wow, I'm flattered you want my opinion, but I don't feel qualified to comment."  If the advice-seeker presses you, you can follow up, "You're a fully-fledged individual in charge of your own destiny, I'm confident you've already worked out what you feel is best to do, and that's what's relevant here."

Feeling with your eyes and seeing with your hands

Two simultaneous cries went up. "Oh! I love THIS!" and "What? You like THAT?!"

We were furniture shopping and heard the same refrain several times we tagged along with another couple on the hunt for that most elusive creature The Perfect Sofa (at an affordable price).

It took some time for us all to realise that each had different criteria. Mrs Shopper is very visual and also "a bit OCD". Mr Shopper is kinesthetic so it's all about how things feel.

Mrs Shopper loved the shape of the deep seats, and the interesting texture of the subtle nubby weave mocha fabric cushions - which wouldn't show finger marks or need too much plumping. Mr Shopper hated the rough nap of the same weave, and the dense, firm foam on the cushions. When Mrs Shopper thought another sofa was 'hideous' and 'would mark in minutes', Mr Shopper was so busy enjoying the cloud-like density of the pillows and the lush softness of the velvety wide wale cord covers. I don't think he noticed it was slate blue, a colour Mrs Shopper doesn't want in her lounge room.

While they stuck to generalizations: 'great', 'yuk', 'fabulous', 'awful' tensions were high. Once they realized what their partner was on about, they were able to stop wondering what planet they were on.

The next time you can't see another person's point of view - let alone agree with it - remember the sofa search and ask yourself if you're trying to see with your hands or feel with your eyes!

This is post 60 of 100 posts in 100 days.
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Why is it so?

Why do smokers always stand upwind of the non-smokers at the tram stop (or bus stop, or train station)?

Because they do. I've been testing my theory for the past 2 months and it is invariable.

This is post 6 of 100 posts in 100 days