What we should have said, but didn't.

The French, naturally, have a phrase for what we wish we said at the time, but didn't think of until it was too late: l'espirit d'escalier. Mostly, we shrug off our clever riposte, and forget all about it. Instead, I encourage you to record these retorts, because human behaviour being what it is, the opportunity to use them again is bound to come up sooner or later.

It's really more about difficult situations, rather than than difficult people. What's the difference? Difficult people are nearly always difficult and there are special techniques for dealing with them. Whereas most people can be difficult in some situations - usually those in which their needs and wants run counter to ours, and they won't 'get with the program'! Consider this scenario...

Your early-bird registrations closed yesterday at 2pm, and it clearly said so on the form. But Bill wants to register at the reduced fee the next morning at 10am. You explain that the special offer is over, and Bill says: "Why are you giving me a hard time about this? I would think you would want another person at your crummy event. Look, I already wrote out my cheque and I'm not writing another one! Just give me the discount, ok, or I won't register at all!" This is straight out bullying, by the way. People do it because it works.

For most of us, our emotions will go into top gear, we'll dislike for Bill and his high-handed ways - but we also may feel a bit guilty about feeling dislike and that will make us politer (through gritted teeth) but less rational.

Bill is trying for the old 1-2 sucker punch. He's thrown the blame for the issue onto us, and made it personal rather than procedural: why are YOU giving me a hard time about this? He's followed up by belittling what we're offering, with a not so subtle hint that our higher ups might not like us 'being difficult' and doing them out of a 'sale'. The implication is there that he will complain about us given half a shot. The sucker punch is the meaningless appeal that is hard to combat: I already wrote the cheque out. It has nothing to do with the matter at hand, but if we make the mistake of engaging with that, we're lost. He'll milk it and anything else he can think of, until we no longer no remember what the original point was: that the discount period is over.

I find that a question or a questioning statement at this point is often helpful. Bill is trying to make this about us, so ask a question or make a statement that returns us to the issue at hand and keeps the focus on his behaviour:

"Bill, the discount ended yesterday. I really don't understand why you are insisting that I break the rules for you, which is unfair to everyone else who is paying full price, and when the difference is only $20 and it's a really great event."

I'm sure you noticed that we're focussing on Bill's behaviour here, we're not saying "I don't know why you're such a ****.

What response can he make? He can bluster, but we're onto him. If we stay firm and keep repeating our position, he has nowhere to go. He can pay up or he can miss out.

There are things we should say, but we need to practice ahead of time so they fall naturally from our mouths when we're in the heat of the moment.

This is post 26 of 100 posts in 100 days.

Silence can say a lot.

Silence can say a lot. There are companionable silences or understanding silences, where nothing needs to be said. There are helpless silences or anxious silences, when we don't know what to say. There are angry silences, sullen silences, where we punish by withholding words. There are hurt silences or defeated silences, where we retreat from words. There is the dynamic silence of being alone in nature. There is the loud silence of being all alone inside yourself while others talk all around you. Or the silence when a group of people refuse to talk to you as a social sanction - what the British call 'being sent to Coventry'.

If you ask a question, and the other person doesn't answer, it's hard to tell whether that means they haven't heard, or they are refusing to answer. Silence can signify consent, when a group of friends says, "Let's all go to X restaurant," you are assumed to agree unless you make a counter-offer. You can encourage the other person in a conversation, whenever they run out of verbal steam, by simply smiling warmly and saying nothing.

Socially, silence can say, "I agree." Silence can say, "I have nothing to add." Silence can say, "I'm bored." Silence can - sometimes - say, "I'm fascinated" (just not as often as the unilateral conversationalists amongst us seem to think). Silence can say, "I think that might just have been the most fatuous statement I have ever heard" - but it says it politely, is unlikely to cause the speaker to bore on for another 30 minutes while they defend themself.

As someone who was once described as having been 'vaccinated with a gramophone needle' - mainly to cover shyness - I had to learn to respect and use silence. I encourage you to play around with silences deliberately, to gauge the effect they have on others, and on yourself.

This is post 25 of 100 posts in 100 days.

The perils of procrastination

I had a nice day yesterday: haircut, food shopping, a hot chocolate, some housework and cooking.

I kept thinking "I'll post later." Unfortunately, when later arrived it came with an upset stomach. Strange to say, when that was done, writing was not uppermost in my mind and I went to bed.

I have considered having timed-release posts, so that I'm working one day ahead. It seemed to take some of the sponteneity out of it... Food for thought, because if I don't plan to avoid a last minute hitch, I am allowing it to happen.

Belatedly (it's morning now) this is post 24 of 100 posts in 100 days.