Managing expectation

Every day, when dealing with our families, our romantic partners, our children, our friends, our work colleagues, and our 'customers', we must manage expectations. Most of us were raised to be nice people, so we are spectacularly bad at this.

It doesn't help that most people are also excellent manipulators - at a completely unconscious level most of the time. If someone says, "No", we cajole, entreat, bluster, blame, criticise and generally pile on as much blackmail as our power in the relationship and our good manners or conscious allow us to. Strangely, we never put it in such blunt terms. If we're passive aggressive - and most of us have at least a small streak of PA - we make sure that the nay-sayer will suffer enough to think twice before refusing us again.

We read a lot about dysfunctional families, but most workplaces also operate like one big, hopefully happy, but quite dysfunctional family too. If your workplace culture doesn't permit failure, then there is little incentive to give a definite answer. Whether 'yes' or 'no' or 'by next Wednesday', the risk of failure is too high. Or perhaps we don't have the power to enforce a definite agreement.

So its no wonder that most nice people have a host of vaguely agreeable nothing-says to suit any social interaction.

Disappointed lovers, children, parents, siblings, friends, colleagues and customers all think we agreed to X, but when X never eventuates, they get mad. Next, they review their assumptionss, realise the were promised precisely nothing, and wish we could say something concrete.

In a spectacularly bad customer service interaction with a large domestic telecom, I once complained to Mr O that the complaints resolution staff wouldn't be specific. I'd have felt better if they'd promised restitution, even if they later renegged - at least it would show they understood what the process should involve, ie. some sort of promise to the customer.

Most of us believe its better not to commit, then we can't be 'wrong'. I argue, and passionately believe, its less wrong to admit you over-reached than to be vague. In our current culture, vagueness is perilously close to sin by omission.

So be specific. Make promises concrete and time limited. Say when, where, how, who and - if necessary - why.

Don't say: We'll talk soon. Make a time and place, be there, and talk.

Don't say: Now is not a good time. Unless you'll say when IS a good time.

Don't say: Soon, unless you mean in the next couple of weeks. Do follow up.

Don't say: It'll be in next week, come pick it up on Tuesday. Say, "We usually get deliveries by Tuesday and I'll call you then to confirm whether (or not) it has come in, and chase it down if not."

Most of us don't expect perfection, we just want to know WHAT to expect.

This is post 87 of 100 posts in 100 days.