One little thing

It's hard for most of us to overcome inertia. We may know we're in a rut, or stuck, but we can't work out what to change to make, we can't work out what's for the best. We avoid small changes because we're saving up to make big changes… any minute now.

My experience tells me that when we're caught by inertia, we can overcome it with one little thing. Choose something to change (it can be anything) and do that.

• Walk to work by a different route.
• Buy a different brand of something at the supermarket.
• Wear your underpants on your head instead of where you usually. (Ok, maybe not that one.)
• Eat half that chocolate bar instead of the whole one.
• Update one item on your resume, just in case.
• Send that 'thinking of you' card to a distant friend.
• Do 5 sit ups or a brisk 20 minute walk.
• Buy a plane ticket.
• Plant a flower or a tree.
• Decline an invitation you'd usually accept only out of politeness.

One little thing can make a big difference.

Who's afraid of a bit of boredom?

What prevents us from trying new things?  Faced with a new environment, a new art event, a new social gathering, we retreat because our inner voice whispers..."what if it's boring?"

It's just anxiety in a new suit with a haircut.

I'm not sure that a bit of boredom is such a bad thing. I don't think it should stop us from trying new things. So what if we experience some boredom? We're not committing every Saturday night for the rest of our lives… at least I hope we're not. We often feel a bit bored when we're not engaged, but it's unlikely we'll feel instantly engaged with a new pastime or social group.

It's worth the sacrifice of a couple of hours of potential mild boredom to find out if we enjoy that new activity, that new class, that new discussion group. I say mild boredom, if you feel paralytic boredom coming on you should definitely leave.

It amuses me to realise that we don't run the boredom meter over the status quo. What would we be doing if we don't try that new thing…washing the dishes? watching a tv show? starting at the phone wishing it would ring? arguing with our housemates? reading random blogs on the internet?

Really, who's afraid of a bit of boredom?

Two steps forward and then who knows...

One of the nice things about middle age is realising that change may be slow, but it does happen if you perservere. When I was younger, I wanted change to happen in an-instant-and-once-and-for-all. I wanted the lightning bolt, the fairy wish, the light on the road to Damascus.

Now I don't trust such change. My experience of life and people tells me that isn't a normal or necessarily a wholesome change.

Now I reocgnise that while I may take two steps forward and one step back (in some things) overall and over time, I am moving toward my goal.  This is a great comfort on those days when I have taken 10-12 steps back, and feel like I am getitng nowhere. If I remind myself where I started from, I recognise I have made progress. I have enough experience of life's ups and downs to realise that its possible I'll jump forward 10-12 steps when I least expect it.

It's all a bit Snakes and Ladders, now I come to think about it.

Adapting to a changed environment

Today it was curtains for us.  Well, a blind and a curtain, actually. The unusually chilly late autumn required drastic action: our winter drapes are now installed. This extra insulation means it's consistently warm in our living room. (Previously it was only warm in front of the fire.)

In between showers, hail and thunderstorms, the sun has been bright. I've had to wear my sunglasses, and Mr O's transitions lenses keep turning black.

All of this prompted me to reflect on the various ways we adapt to our changing environment. And on the ways we fail to adapt, or refuse to adapt.

I'm a big believer in ear protection. I have noise-cancelling headphones for when I travel, I carry vinyl earplugs for noisy situations, and have just bought musicians' noise filters.  These are custom earplugs which only limit certain frequencies and sound-ranges. I can hear the person sitting with me at a cafe, for example, but not the chatter of the people across the room - or only as a muffled murmur.

A couple of people have expressed surprise at the lengths I have gone to to protect myself from noise. I asked one person what else I could do?  I can't live half-way up a mountain, and I refuse to give up my cafe lifestyle. I do try to visit my favourite caffeine pushers during their slow times, but this means my daily habit is a solitary experience. Other patrons aren't going to halt their animated conversations for me. Or their raucous laughter. Or their children's chatter / whining. The coffee machine will keep on grinding and swishing in the background.

The only part of my environment I have much control over is my own body. So I bought the earplugs for $170.00 and I bless them every day. Especially when I need to buy something at Chadstone Shopping Centre.

If only every environmental annoyance could be fixed so easily!

Fancy a change?

If its our waistline, or a grumpy teenager, or our finances, and the change is positive: bring it on!

If it is a loved one behaving 'like a stranger', or it's ambiguous what will happen, or it's negative, or it involves something or someone we like the way they are now, then hold the change please, I'm fine with the status quo.

Not that we get a choice. Often, we don't control change. Even when we make the change, we don't - and can't - control all the indirect consequences and repercussions of that change. We pick up both ends of the stick when we grab hold of one end. Which leads to both fear and anxiety.

Without change, there is stagnation. A little bit of stagnation, once in a while, can be very comforting, but it's not good for us. When did you last do something different, something really new? Try it and you'll get a new appreciation of resistance.

So, do you fancy a change?

When attack is positive feedback

If you've ever been involved in trying to change something - or someone - you know that at some point you'll come under attack.

You make a necessary criticism to your child or your employee. Your child says, "I hate you Mummy!" and your employee points out a minor dereliction of duty you committed six weeks ago (see, you're not so perfect and have no right to criticise.)

You set some necessary boundaries with a demanding friend, and the disappointed friend one says: "Why are you being such a bitch? Why are you being so mean? I thought you were different, but you're just selfish like everyone else."

In the work world the attack is likely to be to your credibility and competence: "I didn't want to tell you, but Doug thinks your idea is stupid," "We tried that before and it didn't work." "You haven't been here long enough/you're not senior enough to understand that..." That's going to hurt too, especially if the attack is made in public - and why should it be made in private, whose agenda would that serve?

What is going on here? Usually it's just a reflexive ego-defence by the attacker. It probably isn't personal, no matter how personal it seems. Your criticism, or boundary setting or new initiative is threatening them or the status-quo (often its the same thing). So, indirectly, the attack tells you you're onto something! Chances are, your criticism is spot on, your boundary setting is overdue and the initiative might actually lead to change if it goes ahead. Clearly you need to be stopped and stopped now.

Most of us roll with the first metaphorical punch, and maybe the second or third, but after that it starts to feel too hard, the feedback is too negative, and we fear we have too much to lose. So we stop. We retreat. Indirectly, we teach our families, friends and colleagues that if you push hard enough, we'll cave. Which is encouraging bullying, no matter how unconscious it might be.

So we need to take a deep breath, and remember that even if what we're proposing to change isn't the be-all-to-end-all, it may be better to pursue it all the way. Remember, an attack is positive feedback, when you're out to change the status-quo.

This is post 42 of 100 posts in 100 days.

Intention is not strategy

How often have you said, or heard someone else say: "I'll do better next time." The intent is genuine, so transparent that if will alone were enough, it (whatever 'it' is) would already be in the bag,

As a teacher, I often flummox students by asking, "Great! How?"

Many people - both children and adults - take this is as disbelief in their sincerity. "Well, I'll try harder, I'll try my very best" is the usual answer. So I ask again: "How will you try? What will you actually do differently?"

I'm not yanking their chain. Or yours now. Intention is not strategy. Try is not a plan, so as the old saying goes "if you're not planning to succeed, you're planning to fail" and another "if you do what you've done, you get what you've had".

Trying harder is like that. A lot of the time it stands in for "I have no idea what is going wrong, so I'll just throw effort into it in the hope that something sticks." We think the problem is in our will to change, and sometimes that is true, but often its more that we don't know what practical, physical steps to take.

This applies whether the change is learning the fingering in a passage of piano music, or remembering to pick up the milk on the way home, or exercising a bit of what Nigella Lawson calls 'dietary restraint'. Last week we tried to "just get it right" and this week we'll try that again, this time it's bound to work...

I do it, I suspect most people do it about something. In some magical future, we'll be perfect, and we'll get what we want by simply willing it to happen. We wish we could be more skillful at our jobs, our relationships, our hobbies, our driving... All too often, we're quite content with 'trying'.

It exacerbates problems in relationships, where Stephanie Dowrick has commented that we judge others on their actions, but we judge ourselves on our intentions. (Did anyone order cognitive dissonance to go?)

When mentor Tim Gunn on Project Runway says "Make it happen", he's not asking the designers to try harder, he's asking them to decide what needs to be done and then do it.

So if you want something different - no matter how big or small - try to work out something however small that you'll do differently next time. And if that doesn't work, try something else the time after.

This is post 4 of 100 Posts in 100 Days.

Doors open & doors close

Doors open, and doors close.

At the end of this week, I will no longer own my beloved Kindermusik studio.

I began my Kindermusik studio in February 2000, with a class of 3 children. Now there are more than 100.

One family has been with me throughout that period - we're on bub number 3 - so I have watched this entire family grow up.

Some of my original Kindermusik babies are now 8-10 years old, and learning piano or guitar with us. Some are in children's choirs. Some play soccer or do ballet. The music they learned helped them get where they are today.

My fabulous administrator, Leesa, will be going with the Kindermusik studio to the new owner. We have worked together for the past six years. She'll be working across the corridor, but I will miss working with her. (I'm not so convinced she will miss working with me... it can be chaos central!)

It's wonderful. It's sad. It's exciting. It's overwhelming. So, just another day in the life.

I continue to teach piano to both children and adults. I continue to love teaching. I never get tired of watching students realise, "I can do it!"

I am developing new short courses for those who are too time-poor to come for regular weekly lessons. I am writing a book. One of these days I may even get some rest.

Doors open, and doors close.

I wish you all the best with your week.