Generosity and compliance

The highway collectors have been out in force in my part of Melbourne. I do not approve of highway collection* - yet another thing I am opinionated about! Indirectly, the highway collectors got me thinking about generosity and giving in a general sense, rather than specifically to charity.

I am all for generosity. It never ceases to amaze me that toddlers share food. Even as young as 14 or 18 months of age, when their sandwich or their biscuit (cookie) is often the only thing they recognise that is truly theirs, the majority of toddlers will - at least some of the time - voluntarily offer to share food. And not only food they don't happen to want.

Toddlers are also a good example of how generosity cannot be forced. "Give Jack half your sandwich, Katie" says well-meaning Mummy. Katie considers the matter for a moment, then puts her arms around her plate, glowers and says, "No! Me sarnie!" At which point poor Mummy may well get half the sandwich off Katie, eventually, but generosity is not happening. Sharing is only barely happening in the face of authority and significant sanction, and when after massive intervention the sandwich is 'shared' the other child - wisely - will likely refuse to eat it.

When I've discussed this with adults in the past, they generally seem surprised at children's greed and how we have to teach them to share nicely. Which we do. Still, food is a pretty big trigger for most adults too. Watch what happens out at a restaurant when your partner or a close friend wants to share your luscious chocolate cake - perhaps they only want 'a taste', or perhaps they want to 'go halves' because they can't eat a whole one. Most of the time its fine, but sometimes we're looking forward to eating the whole damn thing ourself. Inside we feel they should bloody well get their own, but of course we can't say that, so instead you plaster a smile across your face and mutter, "Well, of course, if you'd like some...". (If you're highly socialised you may even add, "...what a good idea.")

I suspect everyone has areas in which generosity comes easily, and areas where we feel that others want a bit more from us than we're really prepared to give. Do you give - stuff, time, or whatever - because:

1. You want to, because it feels authentic and right?
2. Someone has begged you, or seems particularly needy or assumed an offer has been/or will be made based on past experience?
3. You've internalised a voice from your childhood that says you have to or you're just being selfish?

If it's 2, you're being bullied (however unintentionally). If it's 3, you're bullying yourself. Neither is generous, and I'm not even sure it's kind to the recipient.

This is post 46 of 100 posts.

* For the record, my objection is from a OH&S point of view. It might have been all very well in the 1960s or 70s when it started, but I think it's downright dangerous in a 21st century city of nearly 5 million. I also don't like that charities use the risk to their collectors to add some moral suasion to the situation, but I will save that rant for a different day.