Everyday we observe and make assumptions based on those observations of the people around us. Consciously or unconsciously, we look for meaning in the actions or words of others, that give us clues to what they're like. We tell stories. Other people tell stories about us. Our social lives will be more harmonious if we remember this.
How much a particular action will affect our story comes from whether we think its an aberration (a departure from the person's usual behavour) or an indication (of what they're "really" like).
You're waiting for a bus and you've been watching person A across the street who's waiting for someone, showing signs of impatience (looking at their watch, turning to look up and down the street, shifting from foot to foot), you can't help but begin to have a story about what you see.
What's your story? Do you think person A is being impatient and should learn to relax? Do you think person A has had to wait before? Do you think the person they're waiting for is late?
As you watch, person B comes rushing up, out of breath and already apologising: "I'm so sorry! Traffic was dreadful! I really thought I'd be here before this!"
What story do you make now? What's going to happen next?
Person A sighs, and says (pointedly), "Ok, but I do have a phone you know. Couldn't you have rung?" At which Person B says, "Well, I didn't want to stop to use my mobile or I would have been even more late and that would have annoyed you too. I really couldn't help it, traffic you know..."
What story do you make now? If the lateness is a once-off (or at least a rare occurrence) person A will probably let go of their irritation. Bad traffic, it does happen. If the lateness is indicative of a laissez-faire approach to time-keeping, the proffered excuse is likely to annoy.
The next time you find yourself needing to apologise for a social faux pas, ask yourself: would the other person be likely to see this as an aberration or an indication? And grade your grovel accordingly.
This is post 43 of 100 posts in 100 days.
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