Forget love - what do you do?

The counsellor's exact words were:

"Yeah, yeah, you 'love' him, he 'loves' you. Most of the couples who come and see me 'love' each other." I could hear the inverted commas in his voice. "Forget love - what do you actually do?"

It's a challenging question, isn't it?

In 'What Happy People Know', Dan Baker states that you can't feel someone love you, that's their emotion: you can only feel the love you direct toward them. Baker is very persuasive that its the love we feel for others that can save us from misery and depression, not the love they feel for us.

In Just Listen, Mark Goulston gives many examples of the need to make sure people 'feel felt'. He tells of a couple in their 80s who arrive for marital counselling:

As I listened to them, it became clear that they actually still loved and were devoted to each other. After twenty minutes, I'd heard enough and said, "Stop!" to both of them.

Taken aback, they both feel silent. I said to Mrs Jackson, "Do you know that your husband thinks marrying you was the best thing he ever did?"

Mrs Jackson, caught surprised, said, "What?".... Mrs Jackson looked dumbfounded. I turned my attention to Mr. Jackson and said, "And as for you, do you know that Mrs Jackson thinks you're the best man she's ever known?"

I thought his jaw was going to fall off... "You've got to be kidding, she's always picking on me about something..."

Mrs Jackson replied, "I nitpick everyone. I'm a nitpicker. It drives our kids crazy too.".... Sadly each felt merely tolerated when in fact they were each treasured.

I suspect most of us have at least one relationship in which we feel merely tolerated rather than treasured, and one relationship in which the object our love and affection would be startled to discover the depths of our feelings.

Sometimes our love for one another is like the sea being over the next hill: you know its there because people have told you, and there are some supporting indications (you can see seagulls, or hear the surf, or smell ozone). Still, its possible you're mistaken. It's not the overwhelming and unmistakeable awareness of the sea you get from standing on the beach yourself.

How do you show someone you love them? What do you do?

This is post 31 of 100 posts in 100 days.