When attack is positive feedback

If you've ever been involved in trying to change something - or someone - you know that at some point you'll come under attack.

You make a necessary criticism to your child or your employee. Your child says, "I hate you Mummy!" and your employee points out a minor dereliction of duty you committed six weeks ago (see, you're not so perfect and have no right to criticise.)

You set some necessary boundaries with a demanding friend, and the disappointed friend one says: "Why are you being such a bitch? Why are you being so mean? I thought you were different, but you're just selfish like everyone else."

In the work world the attack is likely to be to your credibility and competence: "I didn't want to tell you, but Doug thinks your idea is stupid," "We tried that before and it didn't work." "You haven't been here long enough/you're not senior enough to understand that..." That's going to hurt too, especially if the attack is made in public - and why should it be made in private, whose agenda would that serve?

What is going on here? Usually it's just a reflexive ego-defence by the attacker. It probably isn't personal, no matter how personal it seems. Your criticism, or boundary setting or new initiative is threatening them or the status-quo (often its the same thing). So, indirectly, the attack tells you you're onto something! Chances are, your criticism is spot on, your boundary setting is overdue and the initiative might actually lead to change if it goes ahead. Clearly you need to be stopped and stopped now.

Most of us roll with the first metaphorical punch, and maybe the second or third, but after that it starts to feel too hard, the feedback is too negative, and we fear we have too much to lose. So we stop. We retreat. Indirectly, we teach our families, friends and colleagues that if you push hard enough, we'll cave. Which is encouraging bullying, no matter how unconscious it might be.

So we need to take a deep breath, and remember that even if what we're proposing to change isn't the be-all-to-end-all, it may be better to pursue it all the way. Remember, an attack is positive feedback, when you're out to change the status-quo.

This is post 42 of 100 posts in 100 days.